At lunch time I got this guy: “Can I get a plain hamburger? Absolutely plain, nothing on it. No onions, no lettuce, no pickles, plain, meat and bread. Nothing else. Plain.”

So, you mean you don’t want anything on the bread? just meat and bread? Are you fucking kidding me? Do you think I’m stupid? Deaf? Unable to comprehend? Hard of Hearing? Don’t understand simple terms? Have ear plugs in?

“Alright, so that’s  a plain hamburger?” I always like to clarify during a time like this while I wonder why the gentleman dickhead at the speaker specifically mentioned certain toppings he didn’t want, onion and lettuce? Saying things like that is a good way to confuse the people who are trying to take an order from your dumb ass. Also, although I didn’t today, it’s also fun to call it a cheeseburger in my clarifying question, that generally gets ’em going.

Later on in the afternoon, I got this guy: “Yeah, I’ll have a plain cheeseburger….. (slight pause) with only ketchup and lettuce.”

“Alright, so that’s a plain cheeseburger, with just ketchup and lettuce on it?” I don’t need to clarify, he obviously wants the toppings he’s asked for, but I can’t help it.


Well WHAT IN THE FUCK? That’s not exactly plain is it? Nope, NOT FUCKING PLAIN AT ALL. Based on the logic used by this gentleman dumb bastard I’m not even sure if he wants cheese on this cheeseburger. Maybe he thinks a plain cheeseburger is a hamburger.

Guy number two was stupid. That’s something I’ve come to understand and frequently forgive based on my daily contact with the general population, so that’s no problem.

Dwight was a condescending prick. Whoa, whoa, WHOA! Back the drive thru timer up a bit here, did I miss something? Who is Dwight you must be asking? Dwight was the first guy from lunch time who was wearing his hardware store work shirt with his visible name tag. My next step is to call the hardware store and make up some ridiculous complaint about Dwight. Any suggestions?


16 responses to this post.

  1. I used to hate condiments as a kid so I would get a plain hamburger. But I don’t ever recall listing the items I didn’t want, I see how that would be confusing.


  2. Ooh, I love these games! We frequently get people from business nearby – in obvious uniform – who want to be dicks. I’ve usually settled for telling everyone I know to avoid their business, but we recently had a large group from the liquor store next door completely stiff their server… so I’m interested in a few revenge ideas myself!


  3. I’m one of those pain-in-the-ass people that does not care for rabbit food on my burgers. Meat, cheese, bun and condiments – but give the rabbit food to Thumper.

    Now, in any walk of life we have some very intelligent people, and we have those which border on having the IQ of a gnat. I think the best response I’ve heard to my order of a “Bacon cheeseburger, ketchup only, please” was, “Do you want the cheese and bacon on that?” I responded with a very polite, “yes, please” but was thinking, “If I didn’t want the bacon and cheese, you idiot, I would have ordered just an f-ing hamburger.”


    • Very nice! I’m so glad that you’re one of the people who understands a plain bacon cheeseburger STILL HAS bacon and cheese! 😀


    • I’m with Michelle – I’m a pain in the ass too as is my husband. We’ve found that when we go to Whataburger or Sonic and don’t say “Plain burger, no vegetables” we get what we don’t want to include frickin pickles we can’t stand and those tiny diced up onions we also find distasteful lol. Sometimes you have to be pretty darn specific because not every drive thru has brilliant, experienced folks like yourself at the helm LOL. I am seriously digging your blog and can’t wait for more dirt on your drive thru dumbasses.


  4. Posted by Modern Funk on May 14, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    Tee hee! 🙂


  5. Funny post man, and very true 🙂


  6. Thanks for liking my post today, yours is great! I always wonder if drive through guy can hear us discussing stuff in the car, from now on I’m going to make it racy ;). My biggest question for you is do people often order Hi-C? We order Ice Tea a lot and we get them repeating back Hi-C? I totally get they sound the same, but, what sort of world prefers Hi-C to Ice Tea?


    • I have no idea who would choose hi-c over iced tea, we don’t carry hi-c so this isn’t a problem for me, but I can see how the order taker might wonder. We can hear everything while you’re at the speaker with the window down, hearing some more racy convo’s would brighten up the day, go for it! 😀


  7. I like the drive in your writing – zoom zoom! takes me with a smile into the heart of your experience


  8. “Hello Downtown Hardware? This is Satan’s Coven Bookstore. Could you please let Dwight know that his order has arrived and is ready for pick-up?”


    • Very nice! I have a friend and I watched him block his number and call random phone numbers until he got an answering machine. Then he said he was calling from (made up name) sex shop and advised the person that their pornography was in. It wasn’t about revenge though, he was just drunk.


      • This blog is so hilarious even your comments crack me up! And here I’m supposed be working, doing my web-head stuff, but here I am, laughing so loud I’m scaring the birds outside 😉

  9. Stalk him until he loses touch with reality


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