Posts Tagged ‘Restaurant’

The Three Questions Lady

Two things you probably already know about me: I like swearing and I like ranting. Today’s post will include both, and I also intend to show just how little it takes to set me off! Three simple questions could do it at any given time! Enjoy!

I was working at the counter today rather than spending my whole shift in the drive thru. When you’re working at the counter, you help the drive thru team if you’re not busy.

I wasn’t busy so I went over to the window to hand out an order that was ready.

A lady is sitting there, waiting in a blue car (not the racist in a blue car, I’ve made up my mind that if she comes back, I’m going to tell her to go fuck herself, and then deny it. I’ve been there for years and never done anything like that, she’s a racist. I think the manager will take my side.) This is a-totally-unrelated-probably-not-racist-lady-in-a-blue-car. I give her the drink, followed by the bag of food. “Here you are, have a nice day.”

“What kind of pop is this?” Are you fucking kidding me lady? Standard question in my *ahem* chosen profession: ‘fries and cola with that?’ FOR THE SAKE OF MY SANITY, PLEASE FUCKING PAY ATTENTION.

I look back at the screen to see. “It’s Cola ma’am.” WHY IN THE FUCK DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT DRINK YOU PAID FOR?

“OK, is there lots of ketchup in the bag?” Ummm, I fucking doubt it since it was ready when I got here and YOU DIDN’T ASK ME FOR ANY. Do you have any idea how dumb that question is? There’s not likely to be ANY fucking ketchup in the bag, nevermind ‘lots’. Stupid bitch.

“I doubt it, but I’ll get you some,” as I reach for some ketchup packets. ‘Lots’? How the hell am I supposed to know what ‘lots’ is to you? You have one goddamned order of french fries, are you stocking up at home? Really, who cares if I know what ‘lots’ means to you, why the hell would you need THAT much anyway? “Here you go” I say as she cups her hands together apparently so she can handle this bounty of ketchup packets she thinks she’s about to receive. What is this, the fucking ketchup kitchen? Fuck off lady.

“One more thing,” she says, JESUS LADY, THE DRIVE THRU IS SUPPOSED TO BE FAST. “Is the receipt in the bag?”

I know she doesn’t know that I didn’t put the food in the bag, but THE FUCKING BAG IS IN YOUR HAND LADY. I CANNOT SEE THROUGH THE BAG. I look behind me, the receipt is not on the receipt printer, so I would assume it’s in the bag. “I didn’t get the bag ready ma’am, I only came over to help and just handed it out, it should be in the bag,” I say politely.

She looks in the bag. This endeavour took way to many seconds. I LIVE MY DRIVE THRU LIFE IN SECONDS PEOPLE, HURRY THE FUCK UP. After a little digging around she looks up with a ‘proud of herself look’ and exclaims “Oh yes, it’s here. Thank You.” She smiles and drives off.

No, THANK YOU for getting the fuck out of the drive thru – FINALLY. People in the line are possibly starving at this point, and it’s your fault lady. Go fuck yourself. See, I told you it didn’t take much to set me off.




The Beep That Broke The Drive Thru Guy’s Back

Starting on the first of May each year, we have a freezer filled with many magical and delicious ice cream flavours and it’s a big hit. In fact, there’s a couple who comes through every day and orders two cones. One, with two scoops of vanilla, and the second, one scoop of chocolate chip cookie dough with the second scoop made of half chocolate and half strawberry. The second is a pain in the ass and a speed nightmare, but we’re here to please (usually).

So, two cars after the most condescending bitch I’ve ever dealt with and the debit machine in drive thru goes down.

The person collecting at the first window informs us of this situation over the headset so my boss tells me to hold the car at the speaker and heads to the debit machine to check out the problem. “Hi, I’ll be with you in a moment” I say. There’s no point in lining up a bunch of orders and THEN telling them our debit machine is down, it just makes for a big clusterfuck.

He has to reset the machine, and that doesn’t work so he gets another machine from front counter and hooks it up to try that. Now, this all takes time with the plugging and unplugging and rebooting, etc.

I can hear the driver that I’ve asked to wait talking to her passenger…. and to me. Based on the comments, I know that she knows I can hear her.

‘What the fuck is taking them so long?’

‘Jesus, they better have everything ready when we get there.’

‘I wonder if our food will be comped because they’ve been fucking around for so long in there.’

‘Fuck, what are they doing?’

It hasn’t been THAT long. Under four minutes, which clearly is WAY above our time goal, but it’s a technical problem, and not something we had control over. My boss comes up and tells me that the debit is down, he can’t fix it, so I’m to let the customer know and take the order.

As if by some form of all-knowing-asshole-magic the customer knew just at that moment… “UHHHH, FUCK, HELLO?”

I am livid at this point. “My debit machine just went down so it’ll be cash only, what can I get for you?” I bark, hoping they don’t have cash and will just fuck off.

She laughs a bit, likely impressed with her fat self that her comments have pissed me off and she can tell by my not so cheery voice. “Well get two of the two scoop cones, one with vanilla and the second with one scoop of cookie dough with the second scoop made of half chocolate and half straw-“

I cut her off “Yeah I know, I make it every day.”

She doesn’t seem so impressed anymore (I guess she shouldn’t have been being such a bitch) “Well can you wait until we get to the window to make it so it’s not all melted?”

Meanwhile, we’ve cleared all the cars and there is no one ahead of them “No, you’re the only car in line and it’s already made, pull up please.”

She doesn’t respond and pulls up. Someone else gives her the cones and she leaves. Will she be back tomorrow? I don’t know, or care. I think cunt is a very strong and generally inappropriate word for any circumstance, but she will forever be known as ‘the ice cream cunt’ in my mind.

A while later, after it slowed down a bit I was dwelling on these incidents and felt bad about the way I had spoken to the second customer. I told my boss that I had been rude to her because she was cursing over the speaker. He shrugged and said “I guess that fuckin’ cum junkie should learn some manners then, don’t worry about it.”  BEST BOSS EVER!

So there you have it, the tale of the two customers and the beep that broke the Drive Thru Guy’s back.

A Tale of Two Customers

Today I was rude to someone. I know this is not the ideal thing for me to do, but I couldn’t contain myself. I felt kind of bad about it after, because it wasn’t really entirely the ladies fault, but let’s just say that she was the beep in the headset that broke the Drive Thru Guy’s back. I cannot say straw and camel because if the two fat bitches in the upcoming tale were on a camel, they’d surely break its legs. Let’s get on with this ranting good time!

The first lady pulled up and I answered “Hi, can I take your order?”

“Yes, I’ll get the two pieces of chicken and a root beer and a dish of the soup of the day and a root beer” Hmmmm, some of those words seem like they FORM A COMBO LADY. Also, why are you asking for pop twice? Do you want two drinks?

“Ok, so the 2 piece combo with soup and a root beer?” I repeat.

“Well do you have a soup combo?” she asks. You can get the soup instead of fries for no additional charge. I assume this is what she wants to know. Never assume.

“Yes, you can get the soup in a combo” I respond.

“Ok, I’ll have that then.”

“Alright so did you still want the extra root beer?”

“Well no, I don’t want an extra one if it comes in the combo,” she snaps back.

“Alright, $7.88, first window please.”

She pulls up to pay and then arrives at my window. I hand her the pop and a bag with her chicken and soup. She hands the pop to the passenger and then tells me she’s missing a root beer. JESUS LADY WE JUST WENT OVER THIS. I’m not rude, but I do wonder if she is off her fucking meds. “I thought you didn’t want the second root beer ma’am?”

She glares at me, smirks a bit, and doesn’t say a word, but instead looks through her bag. “What did you charge me for?”

“I charged you for a two piece chicken combo with soup instead of fries and a root beer” I respond.

She grins a bit, shakes her head back and forth and looks over to her passenger to whom she says ‘Unbelievable, well here’s YOUR root beer I guess.’ She looks back at me and says “No, I wanted the two piece combo with fries and a root beer and the soup combo with root beer. Is that not what I just paid 8 dollars for?” Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME LADY? If you think two combos anywhere comes to $8 then either you’ve never been out before or something is seriously wrong with you.

“Oh, I’m sorry” I exclaim, “I thought you wanted the soup instead of the fries. We don’t have just the soup and a drink as a combo. So you need a fry and another root beer?”

Then, in the most condescending voice I have EVER heard (and I have heard some doozies) she hands the bag back into the window and says “Why don’t YOU just TAKE THIS BAG back inside and GET ME WHAT I ORDERED.” She’s not yelling or anything, but she obviously thinks I am the dumbest person on the planet and she is the best communicator of her generation.

“I don’t need the bag back ma’am” I respond, “I’ll put the fries in another bag and get you another pop.” I close the window and head over to the fry area where I ask the fry person for their oldest fries. I put them in a bag with a straw and then go back to hand them out with the root beer (at no extra charge as we chalk this sort of thing up to employee error). “Sorry for the mix up ma’am” I say as I hand out the bag.

“Well, first you tell me you have a soup combo, and then you tell me you don’t. Whatever.” She says as she drives off. Whatever is right lady, if I owned this place, I’d tell you stick your $8 up your fat ass and never come back here. A soup combo? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? Fuck I hope you get beaten on the street in a random attack later this afternoon.

Two cars later, and I get Fat Bitch # 2. The beep in the headset that broke the Drive Thru Guy’s back.

To be continued…


At lunch time I got this guy: “Can I get a plain hamburger? Absolutely plain, nothing on it. No onions, no lettuce, no pickles, plain, meat and bread. Nothing else. Plain.”

So, you mean you don’t want anything on the bread? just meat and bread? Are you fucking kidding me? Do you think I’m stupid? Deaf? Unable to comprehend? Hard of Hearing? Don’t understand simple terms? Have ear plugs in?

“Alright, so that’s  a plain hamburger?” I always like to clarify during a time like this while I wonder why the gentleman dickhead at the speaker specifically mentioned certain toppings he didn’t want, onion and lettuce? Saying things like that is a good way to confuse the people who are trying to take an order from your dumb ass. Also, although I didn’t today, it’s also fun to call it a cheeseburger in my clarifying question, that generally gets ’em going.

Later on in the afternoon, I got this guy: “Yeah, I’ll have a plain cheeseburger….. (slight pause) with only ketchup and lettuce.”

“Alright, so that’s a plain cheeseburger, with just ketchup and lettuce on it?” I don’t need to clarify, he obviously wants the toppings he’s asked for, but I can’t help it.


Well WHAT IN THE FUCK? That’s not exactly plain is it? Nope, NOT FUCKING PLAIN AT ALL. Based on the logic used by this gentleman dumb bastard I’m not even sure if he wants cheese on this cheeseburger. Maybe he thinks a plain cheeseburger is a hamburger.

Guy number two was stupid. That’s something I’ve come to understand and frequently forgive based on my daily contact with the general population, so that’s no problem.

Dwight was a condescending prick. Whoa, whoa, WHOA! Back the drive thru timer up a bit here, did I miss something? Who is Dwight you must be asking? Dwight was the first guy from lunch time who was wearing his hardware store work shirt with his visible name tag. My next step is to call the hardware store and make up some ridiculous complaint about Dwight. Any suggestions?

The Three Things Lady

I feel a rant coming on. I hope you find her as stupid as I did!

“Hi, how can I help you?”

No response.

A few seconds later, “Can I take your orer please?”

The testy reply came in a hartbeat this time, “Yeah, I need a minute.” Really? I never would have guessed! YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME. I don’t ask twice to be impolite, some people are slow to roll their windows down, aren’t quite at the speaker yet, they need to take an additional three minutes to finish their phone call before acknowledging my existance (which is fine, I don’t have a job to do or anything… but that’s another rant for another day), etc. There’s multiple reasons for them to miss the first thing I ask, apparently being a rude bitch is also on the list.

“Alright let me know when you’re ready.” I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, Don’t pull up to the speaker if you’re not ready to order. Do you drive into the car wash with the windows rolled down?

I wait for a few seconds, and then I hear some mumbling from the car. I’m not sure if they were full blown words or not because I couldn’t make them out. I also didn’t detect a passenger or a cell phone. Usually I can tell if they’re talking to a passenger, and I can tell a cell phone based on the echo sound that comes through the car speakers. The complete one sided conversation which flows quicker than if they were talking to me is also a dead giveaway. Plus, it tends to make no sense from my side of things.

Based on the ‘my-mouth-is-full-of-some-kind-of-shit-sounds’ I was hearing, I wondered if it was time to get this show on the road, “Pardon me?”

“Uh yeah, I’m just trying to figure out what I want.” NO SHIT LADY! What’s the holdup? People in this line are starving, and it’s YOUR fault. Ok, so that last line may have been pushing it a bit, but pissed off people are always telling me ‘this isn’t rocket science’ and asking ‘how hard is it to take a fast food order?’ Not hard at all, HOW HARD IS IT TO PLACE ONE? C’mon lady, the drive thru is supposed to be fast.

“Oh, sorry, is there anything I can help you with?” I wasn’t trying to pressure her to hurry up before, but I was with that line, and it usually works like a charm.

It did! “I’ll have an order of chicken fingers and…” She trailed off, OH NO!

“Would you like dipping sauce?” I try to revive things quickly.

“What kinds do you have?” she asks. I walked into that one! I should have offered a popular choice rather than leaving this genius with a vague question. Actions like that make me seem like part of a story on the Dumbass News! (When you’re done here, check that out, you’ll be glad you did!)

I explain what we have, she eventually picks one, and I sense light at the end of the tunnel. “Was there anything else for today?”

“Yeah, I’ll have an order of fries.”

“Alright, and is that going to be everything?”

“Did I ask for 7-up?” Did I hear that right? Did you ask for 7-up? THIS FUCKING ORDER CONTAINS THREE ITEMS (assuming you want the pop and arent checking in case it’s an involuntary question you tend to ask) Do you have a bad case of some sort of weird and rare pop tourettes? AND YOU’RE ASKING ME IF YOU ORDERED A DRINK?

“No, did you want a drink today?”

“Oh, yes please.” Oh really, you did huh? Well, I can think of something that would have saved us both a FEW HUNDRED SECONDS. Usually in a fast food restuarant , a main item with a fry and a pop is something us ‘industry insiders’ call a GODDAMNED COMBO LADY. Furthermore, it shouldn’t take you four and a half fucking minutes to order one. Afterall, the drive thru is supposed to be fast! There, that feels better 😉



I’m sorry about the idiots in front of you!

I feel really bad for the folks who were at the back of the line over the dinner rush tonight. There always seemed to be one poor bastard trying to get something quick and get home but unfortunately he was stuck behind a bunch of idiots most of the time. Some of the people holding things up were stupid, some were rude and some were placing such ridiculously huge orders that it was almost impossible to be fast.

It only takes one huge order to ruin it for everyone. If you’re at the front of the line and it takes 8 minutes to deal with you, EVERYONE behind you is waiting 8 minutes! Worst part is, it’s YOUR fault, and everyone else gets mad at ME. So here’s a quick rundown of the three greatest hits from tonight.

Number 1

The guy places a pretty normal order, two combos, nothing made special. Alright, maybe we have someone who knows how to use the drive through here. Nope. He pulls up to the window and when I’m handing him the order he says “Are the condiments in the bag?”

I give him a puzzled look.

“Forks, and knives, and salt, and pepper” He responds.

“There are napkins and straws in the bag, I can get you some salt and pepper.”

“No, no, that’s good” he says and drives off. WTF? Condiments?  Straws and napkins are NOT CONDIMENTS. Forks and Knives? UH NO! They don’t come with french fries, nor are they condiments. But then, he didn’t even really want forks and knives, I guess he was just making idiot small talk.

Number 2

This car had two guys in it. They were likely high. It took them over two minutes to place their orders. The food was literally ready to hand out AS they were pulling away from the speaker. And that was the problem.

After paying for the second order, just before advancing to the next window to get their food, stoner # 2 says “Oh, can I have that with only ketchup?” Uh, NO YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER! Do you think this just might have been some pertinent information to share with us MINUTES ago? Before everything was made? Before you paid for TWO orders? Before everyone behind you was waiting?

But of course “Sure, not a problem.” And everyone waits while we fix this for you. The drive thru is supposed to be fast.

Number 3

This guy was an asshole, and apparently dumb as shit to boot.

“Hi, can I take your order?”

“Yeah I’ll get 3 hamburgers with a bowl of soup and a cola.”

“Sorry, you want a hamburger with soup and a cola?” I try to clarify as I couldn’t hear him very well.

“Yeah, three of them.” Oh, so it’s not ‘yeah’ in that case, is it asshole? Is it three or one? Pay attention to my question or your order will get screwed up and when you come back to complain, I’ll lose my job for telling you we wouldn’t make as many mistakes if our customers weren’t so goddamned stupid.

“Oh, sorry about that. Did you want to upsize the cola?” A question I am SUPPOSED to ask. It’s part of my job, not some grand scheme I have made up to help the company make money.

Some people tend to get rude at this point. I’m not sure why, a simple ‘no’ would do. I can only assume it’s because they’re assholes. As stated previously, he was an asshole. Here’s the part about him being dumb: “Well is there a price difference?” No, shit for brains, we just think most people want less food for the same money. Upsize is a magical word that means you can have more food for the same price. It’s like when you buy a new car, if you get the all leather interior, it doesn’t cost anymore, right?


Here comes the rude voice! “I’ll just take the regular size then.”

So that’s it. Those were the standouts of the evening. The people with the HUGE orders were really getting to me too. It’s a good thing we don’t use pots for cooking. I’m reasonably sure there were a couple of points tonight where I may have filled one with hot grease and cartwheeled it out the window all over some dumb bastard.

Can I get a diet cola?

This afternoon was kind of slow on my side, but quite busy at the front counter. I didn’t have a lot to do so I gave them a hand by going out and changing two of the full garbages. As I’m returning to the back with them there is a lady standing in the entranceway I need to pass though. Here I am standing behind her holding two full garbage bags, one of them leaking pop, “Excuse me.”

She looks over her shoulder at me, turns her head back and sidesteps literally six inches. It looked more like she just shifted her weight. What the hell lady? You can’t wait for your order three feet to the left? Several thoughts cross my mind… Ma’am, are you blind or stupid? I need to go through there with these full bags which are dripping garbage juice. I am going through there. Do you want garbage juice all over you?

When the guy holding the two leaky garbage bags says excuse me, it actually means GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY. I continue standing behind her until she looks back again and then steps out of my way. About time.

I toss the garbage bags into the bin and wash my hands. BEEP. My headset goes off. “Hi, how can I help you?”

“Can I get a diet cola?”

“Sure can, what size drink did you want?” I ask.

“What?” What? WHAT? Are you fucking kidding me? What do you think I asked you at this point? Would you like an oil change and tire rotation with a cup of coffee and a newspaper while you wait for us to prepare this marvel of dining out you are about to enjoy? YOU ORDERED A DIET COLA. HOW MANY QUESTIONS COULD I POSSIBLY BE ASKING YOU? Pay attention please.

I tried dumbing it down a bit for her through the power of suggestion, “Did you want a medium diet cola?”

“Yes, that’s fine” Yay, she got it that time!

“Will there be anything else for today?”

“That’s it!” That’s it? Interesting, your whole order is a soft drink. Hardly seems worth it.

“$2. 71, first window please.”

So she pulls up, pays, I give her the drink and she drives off. At a time like this, I can’t help but wonder who the fuck does this? It’s watered down fountain pop. It would be much better to buy a 2 litre bottle of pop at the store. WTF? My company is literally raping wallets with these outrageous soft drink prices. Yet people still place orders like this.

I don’t mind! I’m always harping on the fact that the drive thru is supposed to be fast and efficient. Orders like this are obviously just that, so it’s not a complaint I have by any means, but I am left wondering, why?